Stop
by Ajedrez
Summary: It should have served him as a warning, but this once he let his heart overrule his head and allowed himself to be led on. Fairytales were not meant to last, though, and maybe it had just been too good to be true. 1x2x1ish. Oneshot or maybe not?


_**Disclaimer: **_I do not own the song which is "Stop" by Sam Brown, nor do I own Heero, Duo or anything else related to Gundam Wing. I only borrow them for fun and without any intent of making money.

_**Long-winded author's note**_: If you are one of the lovely people who are actually waiting for a new chapter to "Hogwarts AC 196", I have good news for you: in the worst case scenario I'll have to make a split to be able to update, but I'm quite positive that I'll manage without that and you will definitely have a new chapter waiting to be read by the end of this week. Thanks for your continuing encouragement and patience.

A few words of explanation to this little one-shot (which may or may not become more) before anyone accuses me of Duo-bashing after reading my other fic and this – I actually really like the guy. Heero's my favorite with Duo being a close second (and the pairing is simply the best). So I'm not intending to portray 02 as cruel or anything. I just see it like this: Heero may be stronger than the other pilots where mere bodily strength is concerned and in battle context he can act very self-assured, while Duo is more in tune with his own and other people's emotions. Although he probably knows Heero better than anyone else, problems are bound to occur, merely because Heero's behavioral and emotional patterns simply may not always fit into the 'normal' category. In short, Heero might be more capable to hurt Duo physically, but Duo can potentially do more damage to Heero emotionally.

The song is one of my all-time favorites. I actually never intended to write a songfic, but when I heard the song again this little fic somehow evolved all by itself (and then it slept on my hard-drive for ten months...)

Before I drone on endlessly – here's the story, oh, and reviews are always appreciated, of course...

_**Stop**_

_All that I have is all that you've given me_

_did you ever worry that I'd come to depend on you_

It was true and admitting it hurt – Duo was really all he had. Without him where would he be? He had never really known about friendship and love until the American ex-pilot showed him. Truth be told, the other pilots had their share in opening him up to human emotions, but if it had not been for Duo, he doubted they would have cared much for him. In the end, everything kept revolving around the braided boy.

In a manner of speaking, Duo had taken him by the hand to guide him on his first steps into a world at peace. Heero himself had always felt that he had not been meant to survive the war, but the other boy had shown him that life was worth living for so many reasons. In Heero's eyes only one reason mattered, though.

It wasn't that he couldn't survive on his own – the former Wing pilot was more than capable to take care of himself. However, there was a huge difference between living and merely existing. He did not think Duo actually realized how much Heero's being alive depended on him at that stage. Still did, albeit the Asian boy would never let him know. Too much had he already taken from the other, undeservedly. Heero would not impose his growing feelings on Duo without being able to give anything worthy in return. He would not be the dead weight holding the American down.

_I gave you all the love I had in me_

_now I find you've lied and I can't believe it's true_

Heero knew he didn't have much to give, but he did the best he could. The chocolate haired boy had never been very good at dealing with his emotions, much less at conveying them, something you could not expect to change over night. Still, if anyone had taken a closer look, they would have seen how hard he tried. Since he wasn't good with words either, he strove to let his actions speak for themselves and for a short little while he actually thought it worked, that Duo understood. Of course he had been expecting too much...

During the war, the two of them had often ended up working together and on one of these occasions, whatever it was they had had started with Heero giving the braided boy an unexpected, but much needed hand-job in the dorm of one of the schools they attended undercover. It had not involved feelings and he had not expected anything in return. They had huddled together for warmth in one bed like many of the other students because the heating had broken down and, well, Heero had suddenly woken up due to Duo's little problem poking him. The braided boy had been lying rigidly next to him, obviously scared to do anything about it because of the presence of others in their dorm, so, after ensuring everyone was fast asleep, Heero literally took the problem into his own hands and that was it. A simple stress relief that meant nothing to either of them. The same had happened a few times afterwards, without ever affecting their relationship as fellow soldiers – and eventually friends.

After the war, neither Heero nor Duo really had any place to go to, so Duo suggested they might just as well make a home of their own – together. Heero, completely at a loss, had simply followed the other's lead. They had rented a modest two-bedroom apartment and something had evolved between them to which neither could really put name.

Heero was wary of the peace he had helped create, standing at the sidelines of a society he was unfamiliar with and sometimes did not understand. He wasn't ready to become a civilian just yet, so he joined up with the Preventers. Duo, on the other hand, embraced the new peaceful world and the opportunities it offered, opting to get a college degree first, before deciding what to do with his life eventually. The braided boy had never seemed more alive and more beautiful than at the time when he started to enjoy college life with all its opportunities and freedoms. He quickly made new friends and often he would pull Heero along to his frequent social outings. At other times, he would simply spend some time with the other, just the two of them working out or watching a movie or having a picnic, whatever fit the American's mood.

They soon slipped into an easy routine around each other, mostly dictated by Heero's working hours, but they always made time for the other. When, after the first weeks filled with newness and excitement, the nightmares resurged, it only seemed natural when one slipped into the other's bed to comfort or be comforted. Then, one night after Heero had been completely stressed out due to a case gone bad, a simple massage suggested by Duo suddenly led to much more – and it would not remain the only occasion for this to happen. It came as a revelation to Heero and he felt he had never been happier before in his whole life. Duo wasn't his first, but before sex had only been about power and control. Duo showed him how different it could be. When Duo worshiped his body with his hands, Heero finally felt loved.

For some time, Heero truly felt in heaven. Previously, he never had a reason to believe in those promises made by sappy love songs, yet there he was, feeling like he was walking on air, like there was a ray of light even when he was standing in the pouring rain. Duo made him feel that way, so alive...

Heero even stopped objecting to being dragged along to some get-together with Duo's posse, not minding that he did not really fit in there, simply because it meant much to Duo and as long as he could spend some time with the other, the Asian boy was content. He remained unable to connect with Duo's new friends, but when the two of them were alone, the former Wing pilot opened up like he had never done before. After a while, he was no longer afraid of hurting Duo inadvertently and finally dared to be the one to initiate touches and kisses, showing Duo what he could not put into words.

For Duo's sake, Heero actually immersed himself in cookbooks in order to learn how to prepare delicious dishes instead of the wholesome, but tasteless meals from back in the war. A fact that was clearly appreciated by Duo who in return made every effort to accommodate to Heero's need for order and neatness, although more often than not, Heero ended up taking care of the household duties. Duo was perfectly willing to do his share of the chores, but he was easily distracted by the magazine he found wedged behind the cushions of the sofa, the CD that turned up underneath a shelf or a phone call by one of his friends. So while Duo always got the job finished, it was simply more efficient when Heero did it himself. Of course Duo felt contrite every time he found his tasks already completed for him, but after a while he seemed to accept it. After all, Heero did not mind in the least. There wasn't a lot he minded when it came to Duo.

For the braided boy, he overcame his dislike for crowds in order to join him on his clubbing nights and learned how to dance. It wasn't really hard for him to get the moves right, having very good body control and, as they found out, a well-developed sense for rhythm, but he could never relax in the middle of a moving mass of bodies. The only reason why he enjoyed these nights nonetheless was the fact that he could be close to Duo.

For Duo, he changed his ways as much as he could at a time, just like Duo tried to adapt to him. Apart from introducing Heero to the good things of life, the American gave the former Wing pilot an unknown sense of stability and normalcy. He made sure that Heero took better care of himself when demanding missions or difficult cases led the chocolate-haired boy to neglect his own needs. Duo was always there to build him up when the boy formerly known as the Perfect Soldier had his weak moments and was falling apart due to the challenges of everyday life.

They had a tacit agreement to keep their special bond a secret. It was just too new and fragile to let it out into the open and then, what they meant to each other was nobody else's business anyway. There were precious few people in the world who would bother to be concerned about Heero Yuy's love life and those few knew better than to ask questions that would not be answered. Although the other pilots were glad to note the changes in their friend and were rightfully attributing it to Duo's influence, they could never guess the true nature of their relationship.

With Duo it was a different kind of story, and Heero assumed that, as soon as they both were comfortable with it, the long-haired boy would tell people about them. Duo never lied. That did not mean, however, that he'd always be telling all the facts – he was actually quite good at bending the truth, leaving out certain things and evading uncomfortable questions. Heero never thought anything about how Duo never gave anything away regarding the place Heero held in his heart. It should have served him as a warning, but this once he let his heart overrule his head and allowed himself to be led on. Fairy-tales were not meant to last, though, and maybe it had just been too good to be true.

_Wrapped in her arms I see you across the street_

_and I can't help but wonder if she knows what's going on_

_you talk of love but you don't know how it feels_

_when you realise that you're not the only one_

Watching Duo and his latest conquest from his dark bedroom window, Heero couldn't help the pain stabbing through his heart. He should have been used to it by now, but it was not getting any easier. On the contrary, the more he had to see the braided boy dating others, the worse he felt. Every time his heart was torn to pieces and it was getting harder and harder to put these pieces back together again, pretending that nothing was wrong.

Duo wasn't hiding _her_ from him like he had been hiding _him_ from everyone else. Unlike him, she was socially acceptable and accepted. Moreover, she made Duo happy and led him to do spontaneous things like skipping college to be with her, sending her lunch and flowers on ordinary weekdays or dancing in the rain. It had been some time since anyone had inspired Duo that way and it made Heero worry.

He did not think the girl actually knew about the role he was playing in Duo's life, but the way she sometimes looked at him led him to the conclusion that she still considered him to be a rival for Duo's affections. That was unusual – none of the others had really bothered about him. And there had been quite a few others...

Duo wasn't the kind of person to be cruel, but he obviously did not realize that for most people love wasn't a game. To be fair, it wasn't to the braided boy either, but he just wasn't ready to settle down or even _c__onsider_ settling down for real. Thus, his relationships never lasted very long, no matter how seriously he took them. He fell in and out of love easily and often wasn't aware of the damage he did to the broken hearts left behind. On those few occasions when he was the one to be dumped, he showed no hard feelings. And of course he could always count on his best friend's strong and soothing arms when he needed someone to put him back on his feet.

In the beginning, Duo had talked about love a lot, being someone who was always very open with his feelings and trying to make Heero understand the concept. It wasn't like the former Wing pilot was retarded and had no idea about love, yet it seemed all rather theoretical since he had never really experienced it first hand. So Duo enjoyed theorizing about love in general, the different kinds of love, how you fell in love, how love could lift you to the highest highs and make you fall so very hard, anything love-related he could come up with, while Heero listened to him resignedly and at the same time full of fascination.

The fact remained, however, that Duo never actually told Heero that he loved him, so it was just stupid and presumptuous of himself to assume. Sometimes Heero wished he could tell him, but he was too afraid that Duo would turn away from him, would run... So he kept silent and endured the torture of his own heart, when, after a while of growing closer, at some point they began to drift apart again.

Somewhere along the way, Heero had no longer been enough for Duo, or so it seemed. The braided boy went out a lot, but no longer asked for Heero to come along. Of course that may have been due to the fact that work was encroaching upon the Asian boy's free time more and more often, but Heero still felt somewhat rejected. The feeling of rejection turned into a sense of betrayal when he realized that Duo was actually dating other people. It was so confusing, but Duo was so open about his conquests that Heero could not help but feel that he had misunderstood the concept of love in general and the nature of their relationship in particular. You could not cheat on someone if there was no love involved in the first place.

_Oh you'd better stop before you tear me all apart_

_you'd better stop before you go and break my heart_

_ooh you'd better stop_

Heero found the notion of friends with benefits rather hard to understand and even harder to accept was the idea that Duo obviously considered them to be just that. The tenderness and care Duo had shown him was something he would never have associated with convenient sex. Apparently he had been so completely out of his depth in this relationship thing that he had mistaken friendly affection and mere physical attraction for true love.

Sometimes, when the hurt inside got too much to bear, Heero wanted to shake Duo and yell at him for making him so confused, for the excruciating pain he suffered every time he saw the American with someone else. Yet it was through no fault of Duo's that he felt like his heart was ripped out of his body in these instances, when he himself was to blame for assuming too much. So instead of taking this out on Duo, he simply forced himself to remain silent and keep the hurt inside. He would not have known how to express himself anyway and Duo should not suffer for the foolishness of Heero's heart.

One might consider this the beginning of a vicious circle or maybe things would have turned out the way they had anyway: Heero withdrew further into himself the more difficult it became for him to deal with his feelings, not letting anyone notice how heartbroken he was. And the more Heero withdrew, the less inclined Duo seemed to make an effort, trying to spend more time with the other and draw him back out of his shell. No matter where this development found its starting point and no matter how it was tearing him apart, Heero never stopped feeling that emotion for Duo which he still considered to be love. And since it had been Duo who had taught him how to smile, it was only fitting that he also taught him how to cry, even if Heero made sure to keep this on the inside, or at least hidden from view.

_Time after time I've tried to walk away_

_but it's not that easy when your soul is torn in two_

_so I just resign myself to it every day_

_now all I can do is to leave it up to you_

There had been several instances when Heero simply could not bear it anymore and decided to leave, only to find that he could not walk away from Duo. Not when things were still unsolved. He felt that what they had was coming to an end, still he could not give up so easily on the tiny bit of hope that was left. Besides, there was nowhere he could go. He would only be an empty shell without a heart. The acute ache he was experiencing due to his decision to stay sometimes reminded him of those times he had pushed the red button, but deep down he knew that it was leaving which would indeed equal self-destruction. Duo was holding his world in his hands – no, he had actually become Heero's world and now the former Wing pilot was caught in his own little hell, with no way out.

_Oh you'd better stop before you tear me all apart_

_you'd better stop before you go and break my heart_

_ooh you'd better stop_

Heero knew he had no right to cling to Duo that much. There was no way he could give the other all that he deserved. It was obvious that he could not make the braided boy happy – at least not happy enough. And it wasn't really any wonder, was it? How could anyone love someone who could not make them feel loved back. Someone who did not get along with their friends, who could not even hold a decent conversation unless it concerned work-related or peace-threatening issues... Who could kill you, if you made a potentially dangerous move in an unexpected moment.

Heero was well aware that Duo deserved someone who was as outgoing and fun to be with, just like the braided boy himself. A gentle person that could love and was easy to love. Possibly a girl who could give Duo the family he longed for... Heero was none of that. At times he wondered what was holding Duo back and why the braided boy kept returning to him, when he obviously could and wanted to do so much better.

_Stop if you love me_

_(you will remember)_

_now's the time to be sorry_

_(that day forever)_

_I won't believe that you'd walk out on me_

Heero refused to believe that even the last fading semblance of his fairy-tale was withering away. He was desperately trying to keep a hold of the fragmented and distorted bits of affection he was granted, like a drowning man clinging to a disintegrating piece of driftwood. He wanted to make Duo see that he would try harder, be better, but it seemed that nowadays the only thing between them was occasional sex and a choking silence.

And now, apparently, Duo had finally found what he'd been looking for, in a girl that was everything Heero wasn't. With a deep sigh, dark blue eyes let go of the two figures disappearing into the night and their owner turned his back to the window. The curtains were drawn and a lone boy crawled into his bed, curling up underneath the cold linen that never seemed to warm up lately. Trying to will himself to sleep, he concentrated on his breathing and stared into the dark, while one image lingered before his inner eye and kept him awake. The image of a braided boy with a smile on his face that was no longer meant for him.

_Oh you'd better stop before you tear me all apart_

_you'd better stop before you go and break my heart_

_ooh you'd better stop_

Sometimes Heero wondered whether it would make a difference if he could throw himself at Duo's feet and just beg him not to leave, although it appeared to be too late now anyway, even if it had been in his nature to do so. And then there were the times when he really wished that his heart would just -

_stop_.

05/22/2007


End file.
